You AntiSocial Prick
by TheNeonSquirrel
Summary: A collection of short stories revolving around different things in Death note. Rated T for future chapters. Crack-fic. Slight hints of yaoi if you squint and use a magnifying glass. And a microscope. As of now, the stories will not be tying together.
1. How Near Became Successor

You Anti-Social Prick

Story 1: How Near Became the Successor

In the wee hours of the morning, Rodger hung a sign above the foyer of the orphanage—almost killing himself twice—that read, "Welcome L!" The genius was coming to Wammy's, to enLIGHTen the young minds, with his friends Light and Matsuda. No one really knew about it until Matt and Mello had ran up and down the hallway, banging pots and pans together, screaming the good news as loud as a chocolate-addicted Madonna wannabe and a secret chain smoker could.

L arrived at ten o'clock sharp, with Matsuda and Light dressed as his own, personal Secret Service—complete with suits, earpieces, and big, aviator sunglasses from a gift shop—and mumbling everything L was doing as he entered the building. Watari, the old chap, merely rolled his eyes and walked ahead of the three stooges. L—like the old chap Watari—was ignoring Light and Matsuda, because he knew very well that the water at that tower was contaminated, and that should have been the explanation for Light's behavior—Matsuda, not so much.

At ten, the little five and six-year-olds were seated in the cafeteria, throwing spaghetti at the walls, while the kitchen staff rolled their blood-shot eyes and served some dessert to the good little demons shoving the plastic trays in their faces demanding the chocolately goodness of a processed brownie. Matt and Mello, however, were in their rooms, waiting eagerly for their hero to arrive—who ever said a fourteen-year-old boy and his chain-smoking side kick couldn't have a side kick was a ninny—betting on what time he would come and how many times Near would foam at the mouth like that guy from _Avatar: The Last Airbender_. Matt claimed that L would come at ten, while Mello said he would get there closer to three in the morning (what possessed him to say that, no one could really guess). They both assumed that Near would foam at the mouth more than once (that was a pure given).

Rodger's droll voice crackled into the bought-when-yo-grandmamma-was-three speaker when he turned it on, "I need Near, Matt, and Mello to meet me in my office. Now." He didn't sound happy, but really, Rodger rarely sounded happy. Maybe one time, when the London police officers threatened to have Matt and Mello moved to a military academy, Rodger might have perked up slightly with a skip in his step, but the boys were seven and eight at the time—no one was really sure.

The boys scrambled out of Mello and Near's room, sprinting into Rodger's fishy-smelling office on the first floor, to the right of the foyer. Near was right on their heels, clad in an "I heart L like I hate Mello" tee-shirt and his regular pajama pants. Mello was the first one in the door, with Mello and Near not too far behind, heaving like a chain-smoker and a kid who had about no physical education his entire life (but he could haul butt when needed).

"OMG L!" Mello screamed like a teenage girl who just saw Zac Efron. He sparkled a little too, according to Matt's interview about L's visit. Matsuda and Light appeared in front of Mello, expressionless, examining the young fanboy from behind their large sunglasses.

Matt rolled his eyes, Mello shrunk, and Near clammed up.

"And you three are…" Light trailed off so they could finish the sentence. He and Matsuda crossed their arms over their suits and leaned on each other for support.

All three clammed up and took a step back under Light's harsh gaze.

"You three are anti-social pricks, aren't you?" Matsuda said. The three stared back at the man's—kid's?—bluntness in the situation.

Rodger coughed from his chair, "These are the three most, uh promising…children here." Well, he wasn't exactly sure what to call the three stooge-children from another dimension of people who like to annoy Rodger. (It really did exist. It's like, if you were heading to The World That Never Was, take a left instead of going right at the seventh fork in the road).

L smiled and took another bite of cake, "It's good to see you three once again; have you all been doing well?"

Light cocked an eyebrow, _Ah, so these are the people I will have to eliminate after I get rid of L. Geez. Three. Well, the blond one looks kinda…stupid…won't be much of a problem. The L-stalker, he might be. Yeah. I foresee a showdown in an abandoned warehouse in the future. And Goggles. Meh. I think he'll die in a car._ He took a protective step away from Matsuda, and his Shinigami chuckled.

As you can clearly see, Light is a man of small though processes.

Watari smiled, at everyone in the room and clapped his large hands together, "How about some lunch out on the town—what do you say, boys?"

Mello and Matt nodded, their smiles like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. Near nodded in a more polite manner, hoping to impress L, who was very interested in the donuts Matsuda had just delivered.

Apparently "Out on the town" really meant "Cafeteria in the orphanage" in Watari's book. The group crammed into a table—Mello and Near on either side of L—next to the tray dump spot—because there will be no traffic there—and looked at the questionable spaghetti while L enjoyed the chocolaty goodness of the processed faux-chocolate brownies.

Matt poked his and could have swore that his actually growled at him. He pushed his tray closer to Light, who wrinkled his nose in a way that made thousands of Zac Efron fan girls faint. "So, what brings you all here. To Whammy's. On growling spaghetti day."

The spaghetti hissed and crawled off his plate. Light, Matsuda, and Matt shared the same looked of horror.

"Well, I missed my home—and these lovely brownies, Rodger, please give Watari the recipe—" Rodger made a mental note to give Watari the number for the orphanage food company and he started paying attention to L's lengthy explanation. "—and the monkeys haven't been trained to catch Kira quite yet, so I decided to pay a vist."

Mental note: never, ever stop listening to L's rather lengthy explanations. He really wanted his beetles and spiders back.

"Yeah. And he wanted to pick a succ—" Matsuda started before Light slapped his hand over the younger man's—boy's?—mouth. L had said before leaving, "Do not tell them I am picking a successor, I know these boys—Near will do unspeakable things to be my successor—and I'd like to keep Matt and Mello around!"

For a slight moment, L had forgotten that he was not supposed to get mad—except for that one time he kicked Light—and the vein popped out of his head, "Matsuda. Go lick a ground hog."

"What?"

"Do it before I banish you!" L pointed to the door. Everyone scooted back an inch—except Near, who scooted closer to L's side.

Yes, L does have the powers to banish people.

"Pick me! Oh please! I'll lick the ground hog! And the toilet! AND YOUUU!" Near cried, causing everyone to scoot back even more than they already were (Matt was half-way to Timbuktu by then).

"So, he's not an anti-social prick?" Matsuda asked Light in the middle of an awkward silence.

"That's not the point." Light grinded his perfect, Zac Efron teeth together and turned to his partner.

"Then what is?"

"The point is that Near is bat-crap crazy!" Light shrieked, causing the entire cafeteria to stare at him in shock. "Well someone had to say it."

"Where are Matt and Mello?" Watari asked, looking around for the Duo of Impending Doom.

Matt and Mello were in Mello and Near's room, playing video games and gorging on chocolate. They had given up on L when Near started talking about the licking, and they new that staying out of it meant keeping them alive until they got married and had wonderful children.

Yeah, about that—

Back in the cafeteria, L sighed and said, "My successor will be…drumroll please…" And true to the author's literalistic nature, a drum rolled across the cafeteria, confusing the entering ten-year-olds.

L rolled his eyes, "Near."

Every Death Note fan sighed, "Yeah. We know."


	2. Getting Stuck in Rural America

You Anti-Social Prick

Story 2: Getting Stuck in Rural America and Going to a concert

"I told you we took the wrong flight," Mello mumbled to Matt as they walked off the plane, after hearing that they were at Nashville International Airport. A couple of people walked by, muttering about the concert being cancelled down at the Sommet Center and replaced by someone else. Mello and Matt took a step back, bumping into L and Light. Near stumbled off behind them, clutching an airsick bag (which was about to fill up) to his chest, which had a few chunks of throw-up on it.

"I can't believe you two booked us the wrong flight. To the wrong country. In rural America." Light hissed to the younger boys, brushing passed them and looking at the board of flights in the middle of the way. His brown eyes scanned the board, looking for a flight to Japan.

Suddenly, a sickeningly sweet voice rang over the entire terminal, "All flights to Japan have been cancelled. Thank you."

Light's eyes flashed Kira-red for a moment, "I'm going to KILL YOU!"

"And therefore, you ARE Kira, Light Yagami." L said with nonchalance, as if the case hasn't been forgotten, even though they were supposed to be in France, enjoying buttery croissants on a terrace overlooking the river.

"Oh, I am not!" Light snapped. "And what's you're excuse for the flight?" He turned around and stared the younger geniuses in the eye.

"Please. Paris looks a lot like Nashville on a map." Mello snapped under his breath as a gaggle of what he would see as "cute"—which was really slight ho-ish—walked by, seemingly checking him out.

Light stared at the duo for a moment, then side-stepped when Near decided to projectile vomit. He walked away as if Matt and Mello weren't covered in Near, air-sick vomit in Nashville—in Light's head, they were at the air port in Paris, trying to decipher the French signs as they made their way through the foreign air port.

The girls who were checking out Mello giggled and ran away, crinkling their noses at the vomit. Matt wiped off his precious goggles and started towards the bathroom, Mello following behind, keeping his head low. L shook his head in disgust, They act like little pre-k.. Light walked over to him then head-nodded to Near, who clearly needed medical attention.

After Near had been attended to, and vomit had been wiped off from Matt and Mello, Light led them back into the airport to the ticket counter, and demand a ticket to Japan—preferably just L and he; the boys could stay there, for all he cared about.

"I'm sorry all flights—" The nice lady said, brushing a strand of stray hair behind her ear.

"I don't care. I need two tickets—" Mello, Matt, and Near glared at Light, who was unfazed—"to Japan, and as soon as all the flights are uncancelled."

The lady cleared her throat and sighed, "All flights are booked until…" She trailed off, tracing the open flight list. "November 1st..." That was tomorrow. She smiled up at them. They boys sighed. "…2011."

The boys anime-fell. The fat security guard to their left gave them weird looks as he sipped his coffee. Almost immediately, the boys pulled themselves up, and pretended nothing happened.

Light flipped his hair without using his hands and looked deep into the lady's blue eyes, "Are you…sure, m'lady?" He batted his eyelashes enough to make Mello, Matt, Near, and L sick at their stomachs as the lady swooned dramatically before regaining her composure.

"Well," She took another look. Matt and Mello rolled their eyes.

Matt could have done it waaay better.

"I can get two seats to Japan on the sixth of the next month, but that's the earliest." She looked sorry that she disappointed Light, who merely shrugged and walked away. The other boys followed—Near, Matt, and Mello begrudgingly, because Light actually wanted to leave them in Nashville. L really didn't care if he was left behind or not, just as long as he got some chocolate or candy. He was starting to sound a little like Mello.

A group of tourists shuffled by in front of the group of geniuses, snapping photos of everything from the squished bug on the ground to Mello. "Oh! It's Madonna!" cried someone, pointing to the leather-clad, fifteen-year-old boy, who dove behind a startled Matt. Light furrowed his eyebrows. Perhaps Mello did favor Madonna on some level; however, he always looked like a more feminine Misa-Misa to him.

Speaking of which, "Guys, I need to make a phone call." He walked away, leaving Mello to the Madonna-hungry tourists in ugly, "I heart Nashville" tees and the bright-flashing cameras.

"What do we do?" Mello whispered to Matt. Near and L had the same, "Deer in the headlights" look on as they frantically looked at Matt for a plan.

"Run like all-get-out and don't come back." Matt hissed back as the eldest man with a terrible farmers tan began his approach.

"What about Light?" L asked, side-glancing at the whipped-man talking to his girlfriend.

"RUUUUN!" screamed Matt and took off for a taxi, dragging Mello with him. L and Near ran behind, barely dodging the meaty grasp of a fat lady who thought that they made a cute panda and a ghost. They sprinted through the shuttle and car-loading area, knocking down bags to stall time. When they were sure that no one was following them, they stopped to breathe.

"I cannot believe you all seriously forgot me," A figure leaning up against a pillar said. He pushed himself up and walked into the light (no pun intended). Light was mad. After watching his friend full-on sprint through the loading area, causing a spectacle of themselves, he wasn't happy that they casually forgot that he was still there, talking to Misa-Misa.

Matt and Mello whistled innocently.

"Can we just get to the hotel?" Near asked from behind the group, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Fine. But this isn't over," Light said. He turned around to hail a taxi.

After renting two hotel rooms with a "barrowed" credit card, courtesy of Watari and the Wammy Foundation, the boys unpacked their suitcases and proceeded to order room service and eat from the mini-bar. Light relaxed on the queen-sized bed and turned on the t.v. L was rummaging through his luggage for a spare cake he had replaced his toiletries with.

In the other room, Matt was playing his PSP, Mello was jumping on the bed, and Near was in the bathroom, throwing up the lunch they had snagged in a restaurant near the airport. The other boys were unfazed, because Near had always had a weak stomach; he had spent almost everyday in the infirmary back at the orphanage because he couldn't keep his food down very long before it ended up on the floor.

"Do you think we should help him?" Matt asked, implying that Mello walk in there and help the poor boy. He wasn't going to pull himself away from the final day on Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days anytime before the zombie apocalypse.

"Nope." Mello replied, landing on the floor with a thud, receiving a face-full of carpet. Matt rolled his eyes and returned to his game.

L suddenly appeared in the doorway, "There's a concert tonight. We must attend."

"Why?" Mello asked from the floor. He rolled over and looked up at L.

"…Kira will still the chocolate if we don't." L became shifty-eyed.

"LE GASP!" Mello hopped up, and grabbed Matt by the collar. He dragged his friend out the door and passed L. L turned off the lights and followed them out.

They arrived at the Sommet Center ten minutes later to see a gaggle of little girls in t-shirts that read, "Hannah Montana" and "Miley Cyrus". A giant, pink tour bus sat next to the giant stage where some no-name band was playing an up-beat song to distract the little girls while they chanted "MILEY! MILEY! MILEY!" as loud as their little lungs would allow. A small group of ten-year-olds ran by, each of the little girls were wearing glossy, blond wigs, while the mothers behind them rolled there eyes as if to say, "Why did I let anyone talk me into this?"

Matt, L, and Mello looked at Light. What possessed this Zac Efron look-alike to get four tickets to Hannah Montana?

"The scalper said she was very popular." Light replied as a defense. He started to bob and weave through the crowd, avoiding lost wigs, stray water-bottles, and stray throw-up on the concrete in front of the stadium. They stood as close as they could to the front doors, waiting for the doors to open.

Matt looked up from his game, "Did we forget something?"

Back at the hotel room, Near stumbled out of the bathroom, staggering like a drunk. "Where is everyone?" He looked at the free bed. "Oh well."

Back at the concert, everyone else shrugged and turned their attention to the doors. They employees had opened them, and the little girls were starting to flood towards the open doors. A girlish squeal erupted next to the group; Light was wearing a black Miley shirt, and was holding back tears. He quickly coughed to cover it up, then looked at the shirt, "Stupid shirt…gnomes. Changing shirts on people like they don't know…ahem."

Mello rolled his eyes and snatched his ticket from Light. "Let's just get this…thing…over with." He handed the ticket to the employee entered.

The inside was about as scary as the outside. Large, bigger-than-life-size Miley Cyrus and/or Hannah Montana posters hung from the ceiling—they didn't say, "Worship or Die" but they might as well have. Happy-go-lucky sale-girls sat behind shirt stands and walked around, peddling more tickets and fan-club memberships. Little girls were dragging their parents around, crying for the cutest t-shirt, or the latest CDs, while others were dying to get into the seating and sit for an hour to wait for the warm-up show to start.

"Let's get snacks, and then we sit." L and Mello demanded, eyeing and candy-kiosk with vast assortments of chocolate and sweets.

"Fine. But I want to get to our front-row seats!" Light demanded, thrusting the tickets in Matt's face.

Matt swatted his hand away. "C'mon Light, we'll sit." As Light skipped away, Matt mouthed, "I'll ditch him and we can leave." He scurried off to Light.

Unable to ditch Light, Matt was forced to sit in the front row, holding a bunch of Light's Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus, while he fidgeted in his seat, waiting for L and Mello to return to their seats. Matt huffed, Stupid Mello and L. Stupid chocolate eaters. I need a smoke. He took a sudden interest in the ceiling.

Mello and L arrived with a load of snacks when the lights dimmed. A loud voice boomed over the speakers, "AND NOW, I PRESENT TO YOU…THE JONAS BROTHERS!"

Three Hours Later.

Mello, L, and Matt stumbled out of the Sommet Center, clutching one another for support. Light skipped out ahead of them, slightly sad that the concert had to end with ONLY seventeen encores.

"Wasn't that awesome?" Light asked.

"Yeah…" L tried to sound convincing.

Back at the hotel room, Near was bouncing from wall-to-wall, filled to the brim with sugar. Music was blaring from the speakers provided by room service, and the t.v. was at full volume.

Someone knocked on the door.

Near shuffled over to the door to see the police. "Yes, officer?"

"You are under arrest," The police officer lunged for Near.

After a twenty-minute battle—in which Near cussed in Japanese five times—the police officer began to drag Near down the hallway, whistling as if this happened all the time. They passed the Mello, Matt, L, and Light, who waved an said, "Have fun with your friends, Near!"

Matt stopped, "HOLY LAST PACK OF CIGARETTES! I KNOW WHAT WE FORGOT!"

Everyone turned around.

"We forgot to buy another pack of cigarettes!" Matt smiled, and they entered the hotel rooms.

After noticing the mess, Mello turned off the stereo, "These maids are HORRIBLE!"


End file.
